So we come to the end of the Year of Our Lord 2019 — which is also the end (though it doesn’t seem possible) of the second decade of the 21st century. As has become customary for this time of year, I want to take a few moments to talk about the changes that the last year has wrought in my life.
The end of last year and the end of this one could not be more different. A year ago I was, to be frank, foundering. I felt cold, cynical and what writing I did dripped with dark sarcasm. Janet was constantly angry, confrontational and critical, and there didn’t seem to be any hope and no future.
When someone asked me what I was going to do after Janet died, I told them that I had absolutely no idea because I hated everything about the situation that I was in. I told someone once that with my luck I would die only to discover that the Catholics were right about purgatory and I still had 15,000 years more to go before I got to Heaven.
On a personal level, I likewise felt very much adrift. On the one hand, I dreaded the idea of being alone, but on the other, I felt beat up and wondered who would ever want to be with me. I even wondered whether it was even fair for me to consider “inflicting” myself on someone else. I felt like damaged goods: a dented, expired can of Spam — which is to say something people aren’t too excited to have when it’s new, and when it’s not… Yeah, you get the idea.
While work was still somewhat fulfilling, even it had starting to drag on me. I had always assumed that retirement was for other guys. I had even told people that I would stop programming and retire when, “…they pried the mouse out of my cold, dead fingers.” Now I just didn’t know, but I also didn’t know what else there was for me to do.
For most of the year, one day followed another, endlessly gray and undifferentiated.
But I guess at some point I was finally ready to hear what God had to say, because things began to change. Bit by bit, through a friend from church, prayer and of course my sister, I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel, that I was pretty sure wasn’t the headlight of an oncoming train. As I travelled on, the light slowly got bigger and bigger, and I could see that the track I was following led out of the tunnel and wound around a bend. While I couldn’t see where the track led, that didn’t seem to matter anymore — it led somewhere, and that was all that was important.
What really made the difference, though, was you folks on the support forums. I initially got on the forums as a way of letting people know about the blog. I started out with just the Huntington’s and Juvenile Huntington’s groups but quickly branched out to others. The important thing was that I realized that whether the group was for HD, JHD, PD, Alzheimer’s, mental illness or dementia, caregivers all had similar challenges.
By reading your stories I got a sense of perspective on my own troubles. I saw that Janet could have been much worse, and I needed to spend more time being grateful and less time complaining. Moreover, I realized that I had more to contribute than just writing the blog. Things I had learned the hard way could help other people, so I began participating more. After experiencing the results from supporting and praying for people as they work their way through their pain and trials, I saw my load got a little lighter too.
Which reminds me, one of the things that that has amazed me is that since this blog went live 7 weeks ago, there have been over 2500 page views, by 1290 visitors, from 35 different countries. I am in absolute awe. Thank you all so much! I wish I could hug all 1290 one of you!
Well, that brings us almost up to date. Next Sunday will be the last time where I will speak in the past tense. After that post, the blog will be about what happened that previous week.
So what will we talk about this new year? Beyond a few obvious things like, at some point, Janet will die in 2020, I really don’t know, but I promise you this, we will always be moving forward. Which, by the way, is what the title of this post means: “always forward”. When you are a warrior for God, one of the things to remember is that He doesn’t back up, or give ground. Ever.
In closing, I love you all, and thank you for your prayers and blessings.
In Christ, Amen ☩
One last prayer for 2019…
“Blessed are You, Lord God, King of the Universe. It is right that I should at all times and in all circumstances bless You for how you empower us to reach out in love to others. But today I especially want to thank you for this year. Although there have been hard times, I can nevertheless see your hand guiding and directing me. Teach me to love you more deeply, trust you more completely, and follow you more speedily. Amen”